Sharing is caring
Or so we are taught at a very young age to believe, paving the way for an extreme number of people caught up in a mix of people-pleasing and disrespecting their own boundaries. When do we learn that it's acceptable to withhold our possessions, knowledge, and experiences from others, particularly if doing so is in our best interest?
Take a toddler, maybe they are playing with their own toy, building something up only for some demon child to come along and destroy it. Maybe said demon child's parents have insisted on them sharing it and it gets broken. Sure, it's great to have resilient kids who understand that sometimes things break, but if it was in their care, that break would hurt less. A lesson would still be learned but it wouldn't involve another unnecessary person.
I have been commended on my parenting, parents saying, 'Ah, you let x and x share their toys and everyone feels welcomed'. When we went to other people's homes, I always requested that x and x didn't touch things that didn't belong to them. You know, good old boundaries! Yet, at my home, anything went. "Oh, demon child would like to play with this?" Sure. "Ah, they would like that what x is eating?" Sure. "Ah, they would like my limb?" No problem, that too is coming right up!
Truth be told, if I had another child, I wouldn't let them share their things if they didn't want to, especially as countless times, other children wouldn't value what belonged to my children. I would, of course, still instil manners and politeness but at no point do they have to share everything that is theirs. After all, being told politely no is better than an angry no. Yes, I understand that sharing at times creates empathy for others but I've come to realise the importance of teaching my children to assert their boundaries and prioritise their own needs and possessions.
I recall at my baby shower someone taking food off my son's plate. The person laughed explaining that my son wasn't eating it (he was a slow eater), and proceeding to share his lunch with her daughters, who had already eaten. I remember being silenced not to say anything, as they were "friends", even though I knew he would be hungry soon and have nothing on his plate. Never mind the fact, that the other children were vegetarian, but apparently eating chicken they hadn't ordered didn't count! Looking back, this is a clear instance where I could have spoken up and said, 'No, that is not right'.
How many times have you gone out for a meal and ordered a la Season 2 Friends style, just what you could afford? You know, a side salad, on the side of your empty plate. All your friends or dates are indulging and racking up the bill, while you dread the inevitable suggestion to split it.
In these moments, we're encountered with a familiar dilemma: do we speak up and assert our own preferences, risking potential awkwardness or judgement, or do we go along with the group consensus, sacrificing our own financial boundaries for the sake of social harmony?
On one hand, there's a societal expectation that we should be generous and accommodating, willing to split the bill evenly regardless of what each person ordered. After all, isn't sharing a fundamental aspect of building and maintaining friendships? But on the other hand, there's a very real concern about the financial implications of this arrangement, especially for those who may be on a tight budget or have dietary restrictions that limit their options.
I suggest communicating before you head out about what you will be doing. If they are good enough friends, they will understand, and someone in that group might even appreciate the honesty. If that fails, leave early and give someone your exact change! Whatever you choose to do, stay true to you.
Another example of sharing is in the workplace. You don't, after all, want to stand out for the wrong reasons, such as not sharing the tab, not sharing your ideas, and not sharing the same enthusiasm as your coworkers! At times, sharing these things builds upon a great dynamic work environment. People can thrive, but my experience and those shared by others are that some industries, especially corporate, are cut-throat and toxic. To share is to put yourself in a position to be stolen from. Boundaries, self-respect, promotions, all these things are up for grabs, so whilst it can be good to be collaborative, be careful it's not at a great cost to you.
Generosity and cooperation do have their places, such as community and support groups but everything else including your own time, needs to be balanced with respect for individual boundaries and own rights. By acknowledging and asserting our own boundaries, we can build healthier relationships and environments where everyone's needs are respected and valued. Next time you are confronted with a sharing problem, ask yourself, 'If I don't speak up here, what will the long-term consequences be?'. Not sharing everything doesn't make someone bad; unless they have an ill agenda and words behind that action. After all, we are not just putting ourselves first, we are teaching others how to treat us. Some people would view this as insignificant but from someone who has spent a lifetime, being polite and putting others first at a great loss to myself, asserting yourself is important. Sharing isn't always caring. Saying no to a request is healthier for both parties; maybe if we did that more from childhood, we would have adults who were confident in saying it and people more receptive to hearing it.
