Nobody Is That Busy

Navigating One-Sided Relationships

Do you ever feel like you're always the one reaching out, making an effort, and responding to everything, but never quite get the same treatment back? You’re not alone. Many of us struggle with the imbalance in our relationships. But what can we do about it?

The Changing Landscape of Social Interactions

In today's fast-paced world, our attention is pulled in multiple directions. With so many pressures and choices, it’s easy to let the ball drop and forget to treat everyone the way we wish to be treated. It’s not always about being too busy; often, it's about priorities.

Understanding Expectations and Realities

We might wonder why we expect replies or attention from others. Is it wrong for someone not to meet our expectations? Where do these expectations come from? It’s essential to reflect on these questions to understand our feelings and reactions. Revisiting your standards and what you seek in a partner or friend will help you understand where your expectations come from.

My Personal Journey

Growing up, I didn’t have many friends. A sheltered religious lifestyle limited my social interactions and honed my introverted nature. Missing social cues was common for me, and I likened making friends to a daunting task. I adopted a people-pleasing attitude, thinking it would make others happy. However, this often left me feeling upset when my efforts were not reciprocated.

Are These Friendships Worth It?

There's an old saying: "If you make something too easy and available, nobody will earn and respect it." I realised that making myself constantly available and always accommodating didn’t earn me the appreciation I hoped for. Friendships, like any relationship, need balance and mutual effort to thrive. It's important to note also that relationships naturally evolve over time. Priorities change, life gets in the way, and sometimes people just drift apart. It doesn’t always mean something went wrong; it’s just a part of life. This too can be said for a romantic relationship.

One year, I kept initiating text messages with a friend but rarely received a reply. If I did, it was constantly "How are you?" but the response would go unread or ignored. I was taught that it's rude to ask a question and ignore the answer. Anyway, months would go by, and it felt one-sided and made me question the value of our friendship. I decided to scale back my efforts and see if they would step up. They didn’t, and while it was disappointing, it gave me clarity. I always make plans to see people, and now when someone says they can't make those plans on the dates I suggested or they don't reply and then they ask again, I say, "You send me dates and I'll get back to you." For me, it's been a game changer because I don't have the fear of rejection in me and I don't have to wait around for anyone.

Hosting playdates for children was another challenge. I used to always host parties and events, and whilst the first time a guest didn't bring anything it was fine, by the 10th or 11th time, it gets borderline annoying. Yes, whilst travelling somewhere was an effort, settling into a routine of not contributing sets a bad precedent. I make sure I take something homemade wherever I go, as it makes gatherings more balanced and enjoyable.

Strategies to Find Balance

Communicate Your Needs and Style: Be open about your feelings. Say something like, “I know life is busy for both of us right now, but I miss you. It would be great to catch up.” Perhaps an issue in romance that can be addressed is, "I feel like I’m always the one making plans for us. It would mean a lot to me if you could take the initiative sometimes."

Set Boundaries: Practise not jumping to respond to messages immediately. This helps manage expectations and reduces feelings of being taken for granted. If someone is responding far too late, or not at all, say, "I noticed you have replied months later and whilst I appreciate we are busy, I can't even remember what we were talking about." Maybe they will take stock of the interactions.

Reflect on What Works for You: Consider how often you want to reach out and what feels like a good balance for you. Ensure that the exchange in the relationship feels equal. If you find yourself always giving, try to step back and give the other person a chance to contribute. It's important to note this isn't about playing games with others but working out what works best for you. If they are true friends, they will want the best for you.

Recognise and Appreciate Efforts: Acknowledge and appreciate the efforts made by others, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement can encourage them to reciprocate more often.

Quality Time vs. Quantity Time: Focus on the quality of the time you spend together rather than the quantity. Sometimes, less frequent but more meaningful interactions can strengthen the relationship more than constant contact.

Evaluate the Relationship: Periodically take a step back and assess the relationship. Ask yourself if it's enriching your life or causing unnecessary stress. It's okay to let go of relationships that no longer serve you well. I know a long history in friendships or romance is hard to come by, for a reason, but honour that time fondly and don't begrudge them or the future for it.

Develop Emotional Resilience: Strengthen your emotional resilience by practising mindfulness, meditation, or therapy. This helps you handle disappointment better when your efforts aren't reciprocated. Don't take someone else's lack of effort as a reflection on you and beat yourself up.

Understand Their Perspective: Consider why the other person might not be reciprocating. They could be dealing with personal issues, unaware of the imbalance, or simply have different communication styles. Understanding their perspective can help you address the issue more effectively.

Be Selective with Your Energy: Focus your efforts on relationships that are mutual and fulfilling. It's better to have a few meaningful connections than many superficial ones. It's OK not to reply to everyone; at some point, you need to step back to protect yourself.

Practise Self-Care: Prioritise your own needs and wellbeing. Engage in activities that make you happy and fulfilled, independent of your relationships with others. This helps build self-worth and reduces dependence on others for validation.

Move On: Sometimes, investing in new relationships can provide the balance you're seeking. Join clubs, attend social events, or engage in community activities to meet like-minded people who value mutual effort. They are out there!