"No Baby Mama’s and No Daddy Dramas": The Realities of Single Parents Dating

Let’s face it, every good parent will always put their children first. This is the sacrifice and commitment they made when they chose to bring a child into the world. Even with the best intentions, parents can fall out of love, whether due to the strain of parenting, relationship breakdowns, or life’s unexpected curveballs. Sometimes, relationships naturally end, and our family plans are thrown completely out of sync.

In my experience, shared parenting after a split rarely divides equally. While equal co-parenting arrangements do exist, most families I know have one primary caregiver and one part-time parent. Often, the part-time parent may believe they are contributing as much as the primary caregiver, but this belief usually isn't reflected in time commitments or responsibilities. As a result, focusing on personal needs, such as dating, often takes a backseat.

Single parents often make daily sacrifices, putting their children’s needs before their own personal aspirations. This dedication shapes every aspect of their lives, including their approach to dating. The resilience and multitasking skills that single parents develop are remarkable. Balancing the demands of parenting with the desire to find personal happiness requires immense emotional strength.

It’s also important to acknowledge the unique challenges faced by parents who have lost a partner due to death. These parents did not choose to leave their partner behind; they are navigating a complex journey of grief and healing while caring for their children. The strength required to balance these emotional realities is extraordinary. They must give themselves time to work through their feelings and do what is best for them and their children, who no longer see the other parent. This journey is distinct from other single parenting experiences and deserves recognition for the amazing strength and resilience it demands.

Meeting someone who understands and accommodates your role as a single parent is a stroke of luck. However, when you're actively searching for love, explaining your situation as a single parent can be exhausting. My goal isn't to persuade anyone to date single parents. Instead, I want to offer practical tips for navigating the already complex dating landscape when you're a single parent. Having been a single parent for four years, and arguably longer in spirit, I understand the challenges and the mental gymnastics we perform to convince ourselves otherwise.

Here are some tips to consider:

1. Accept People For Who They Are: Sometimes, we convince ourselves we can change someone’s mind or behaviour because we like them so much. Sound familiar? Trust people when they show you who they are.
2. Work Out What You're Looking For: Be honest with yourself and the person you are dating about your needs and expectations.
3. Leave the Children Out of Early Dating: Let potential partners get to know you first, without involving your children too soon.
4. Rediscover Your Pre-Parenting Self: Reconnect with interests and hobbies you enjoyed before becoming a parent. This will enrich your life and show a potential partner that you are more than just a parent.
5. Every Other Weekend Rule: For many full-time single parents, having a child-free weekend every other week can provide a good balance for personal time. Work out a good routine and where possible, try and maintain good communication with the other parent, as this will make things easier when you are planning your time.
6. Balancing Sex and Dating: Navigating intimacy while balancing parental responsibilities requires careful consideration and clear communication with partners. Your and your children's privacy and safety are paramount.
7. Accept That People Judge: Being stereotyped hurts, and we often feel the need to prove otherwise. Using terms like "baby mama" or "drama" perpetuates stereotypes about single parents, often portraying them as problematic or burdened by chaotic relationships with their children's other parent. These labels diminish complex human experiences and relationships. If you experience these comments, let those people go—they aren’t worth your time or energy.
8. Practice Empathy: Sometimes people act harshly because they fear commitment, avoid responsibility, or struggle with family dynamics. If they aren’t intentionally hurting you, let them go to figure things out. Holding onto them or resenting their lack of interest in your family won't do you any favours. When things do go well, be mindful of the impact being a step parent may have on them. Check in with them and ask for their opinion and advice on parenting, it's good to see if you are both on the same page and they will feel included in your family.
9. Prioritise Your Time and Money: Be mindful of who you spend your time with and ensure they add value to your life. When your children are young, it's easy to think time is on your side, but it’s not; it flows by quickly. Remember to have dates with your kids too—just you and them! Be honest about the financial impact of dating. I don't mean immediately, but do things within your means and speak up if you can't afford something. If they are the right person, they will understand. That rule works both ways.
10. Look for Signs of Engagement: This has the potential to be a red flag. Someone could seem fine with the fact you are a single parent but show no interest in family life. This might be evident from a lack of questioning about your family, not understanding when you unfortunately need to cancel, or failing to empathise with your day-to-day responsibilities.

There are many positive stories of people settling down with single parents and successfully creating new or blended families. I remember dating my now-husband a few years back. I had a TV from 2005, you know, the chunky ones like a 4x4! He said, ‘That's got to go,’ and I replied, ‘Not now; besides, it still works.’ He called me later that evening and asked how much I could afford to contribute to a TV. I think I said £60, but mentioned that's why I couldn't afford one. He said, ‘OK, I'll buy you guys a new TV, and you can contribute £60,’ which is exactly what we did. I still have that TV now! I also remember our first Valentine's Day after ten weeks together. He came over with not only thoughtful gifts for me but also some small surprises for the children. It wasn't the material items that mattered; it was someone coming into our lives, seeing us as a unit of three, and wanting to care for all of us.

Navigating dating as a single parent is undoubtedly challenging, but with the right mindset and strategies, it's possible to find fulfilling relationships. Seek to find someone who complements your life and does not complicate it. Ultimately, trust your instincts about when the time is right to introduce your children to your new special someone.