Breaking Up with Friends

There is a popular phrase derived from an analogy of a tree, with various interpretations, including my favourite. True friends are like the roots of a tree: they never leave, they are always there, and they are your foundation. The branches include those who help you grow and discover more in life, while those who are like leaves, well, you know, they are the ones who briefly appear and leave. If you have a good base in your life, you're lucky, and you'll have a good couple of friends for the roots.

Friendships vary in their demands and dynamics. While some require constant nurturing, others are more casual, allowing for occasional check ins without expectations. I used to think that meeting someone meant they automatically became a part of my journey, without careful consideration of their role in my life. Treating everyone the same was exhausting and, upon reflection, unfair to them, as I often wondered why I didn't receive the same consideration in return. I made myself constantly available, believing it to be the ideal approach. While it may work for some, for most, it's unrealistic to maintain. This often led to hurt feelings when I wasn't prioritised in return.

I fully appreciate that, despite growing up in a family of eight, my social skills were limited. I never fully understood friendship circles, the 'girl code,' or how to blend in because I wasn't allowed friendships outside of the home. School was often painful, especially since I attended an all girls school. In my early twenties, I had many male friends, perhaps because being the obese funny girl was not perceived as a threat, and guys appreciated having a female friend to confide their relationship woes. Throughout my upbringing, I encountered the belief that women support each other, but my experiences in climbing the corporate ladder revealed a different reality. Recently, I came across a comment on a forum that resonated with me: 'Most women pull up the ladder behind them on their way to success.' However, I refuse to be jaded by my experiences. I know there are women who advocate for each other's success, but that's a topic for another blog.

In my late thirties, I realised I don't need to blend in; I'll find the people, or my honorary weirdos, who will gel with me. How long they stuck around for, well, that depends, but I do know I am much better at assessing where I place people now in my life. I do this by empathising with their busy lives, but also to add value to my time too. I also frequently examine friendships on the scale of positivity and growth. That's not to diminish those who are struggling and need a wee moan but is the person constantly draining me? Are they listening to me or just talking for the sake of talking? Sometimes I over speak but check myself, and on the whole, I do my best to make sure the conversations are two ways. I also regulate myself by asking am I the kind of friend I would want for myself, and yes, I am. Some people have firmer boundaries no doubt, built up from experiences that have led them down a path of not trusting, being a lone wolf, or people pleasing and as long as that's providing you benefit, then crack on. You do you.

I watched a programme this week discussing the emotional impact of when friendships go badly and how to deal with the fallout. The guests included both the dumpee and the dumper's perspective, navigating when it is appropriate to call time on a friendship and how best to do it. Various ways were discussed, including ghosting, giving warnings, having an argument you couldn't come back from, blocking, writing a letter, and communicating boundaries and observing what happens next. Just like romantic relationships, effort is required, and if not, some friendships have to end.

Listening to some of these callers, it was undeniably challenging to end friendships, yet they never asked themselves why these people chose them as friends in the first place. I understand life throws curve balls, and people can change, but the core of a person, what attracted them to you, would become apparent as you got to know them. You would hope to understand their communication style, so you could anticipate how this friendship would develop and perhaps navigate how best to deal with it. Sometimes, we can get trapped in a loop of accepting the wrong people because of fear of not meeting anyone new, so we keep them around. Other times, people remain in our lives simply because they've always been there. Some keep others around until they are no longer useful and then move on. So, why are your friends your friends? Were the things that are now troubling you, always an issue? Remember, when someone shows you who they really are, believe them and make sure they are right for you.

Communication is best, and yet, although we know this, if we can avoid conflict, we will avoid it, and things don't always get said, and it builds up. Sometimes things do get said, but nothing changes. As Tony Robbins says, "if it's causing you more pain than pleasure, it MUST change". Try to avoid blame where possible and come from the place of how you're feeling and where you would like the friendship to go. Be open and honest.

While maintaining boundaries is crucial, remaining open to compromise, provided it doesn't cause harm, can be beneficial. Sometimes, stepping back and giving both parties space allows for reflection and the possibility of positive change. However, despite our best efforts, some friendships cannot be salvaged, and it becomes necessary to move on.

True friendship endings can be just as painful as the end of a romantic relationship. The investment, understanding, time, and love—all gone, requiring time to heal. Some friendship endings are so agonizing that they can manifest physical symptoms such as migraines, aches and pains, and chest pain. Unfortunately, I experienced this a few years ago, and it was incredibly painful.

Upon reflection, I realised that although that friendship seemed rooted well, it was toxic and unhealthy. It stemmed from my insecurity and admiration, and our values were not aligned. I had placed her on a pedestal, seeing her as a maternal figure, and that she was better than me, which was a mistake. As previously discussed, mixing friendships with maternal figures can be problematic; there should be mutual connection and balance.

However, during the period of our friendship, it was also filled with much laughter, encouragement, and strength. I became a good friend, so good in fact, that when I saw an injustice, I spoke up and told my friend. It's always a troubling time in friendships when you see your friend being cheated on. It's also a difficult time to speak up, and for that reason, many people don't. I knew her well enough to know that she would have told me if it was the other way. So I said something. It wasn't news to her, but it did taint our friendship because I looked up to her so much, but now the blinkers came off. Despite her thanking me, the friendship became strained and uncomfortable. I tried to be normal, but even talking to her was bothering her. If I enquired how she was doing, I would be shut down. If I spoke about myself, I was called selfish. If I tried to meet up, I was given a date months in advance. Until one day, Mother's Day 2018, she blocked me. Everywhere. I spent hours of the day talking to this woman who helped me through a dark period, for which I will be forever thankful, only to be dismissed as if it meant nothing.

To this day I have never heard from her. I used to think about going to her home, pleading for her to take me back, but in hindsight she did me a favour. I felt betrayed by her and that cracks the very foundation of trust in friendships and it leaves the betrayed feeling raw and vulnerable. I realised she wasn't a root; she was a good branch and at a difficult time, the best.It's a tough road to go through, trying to rebuild trust and heal from the deep emotional scars left by a friendship that ended badly.

Now I'm not perfect; at times, I have had to shut down some branches. Sometimes to protect my own mental well-being, for growth and sometimes I couldn't get through to them. I have gone quiet on people, like a natural fade out of communication but some people needed a letter from me, explaining my actions. I think endings and closure are important, and without it, you're in limbo. Never knowing quite how to read the situation. I was in pain for months after she blocked me, but I can now look back and realise she did what was best for her and for me. I was outgrowing the bubble we had created.

It did hurt like hell, so if you are going through something like this, be easy on yourself and learn something from the experience. Be patient, kind, and caring; be that friend for yourself and believe you do deserve good friends. Remember, we are all flawed in some way. It's how we deal with it that's important. If you are the person who needs to cut someone off, the same message applies: please do protect your space. Seek advice and support from others and services, where needed. When you lose a friend, you need time to grieve. After all, grief is an emotion that doesn't go anywhere. It stays with you, and you learn to move on with it, and it shapes your future relationships.

I'm not a religious person, but I loved this from the Bible, Corinthians 13:4-7. It does sum up perfectly what love should be and good friends are loved. It's also summed up in a quote by a leading Friendship Expert and Psychologist, Dr Irene S. Levine:
"Friendships, like any other relationship, require effort, understanding, and compromise. They can bring immense joy and support, but they also come with challenges and complexities. Navigating the highs and lows of friendships requires empathy, communication, and a willingness to invest in the well-being of both yourself and your friend."