Mum knows best
In the midst of the excitement and anticipation surrounding the arrival of a new baby, it's easy for everyone to get swept up in the celebration without considering the needs of the new mother. There's no denying the magic and wonder of bringing a new life into the world, but let's not overlook the profound physical and emotional journey that accompanies it.
I recently watched a video on Instagram that has gone viral for all the wrong reasons. It got me thinking was it a cultural, religious or just a plain toxic clash that I had just witnessed.
I'll set the scene. Mum is sitting on the sofa and takes out her phone to secretly record a conversation with her husband/partner. Now, why would a) you need to film that and b), feel the need to post it all over the internet? Perhaps, she was in disbelief and needed some words of encouragement to leave his ass or maybe, she just needed support. Either way, what happened, was toxic and reminded me of when I had little ones and didn't speak up.
This woman had given birth 2 days ago and her partner walks in and asks her to get up and make his family a roast as they were coming to see the baby. They proceeded to go back and forth with what she had been doing and he even called her out for being lazy and looking after a baby, which he said wasn't a big deal. I sat there watching this, wanting to jump in the video to defend her but also defend myself. Poor form for him but perhaps, poor form for us too, for choosing these people to procreate with.
Imagine the thrill of holding your newborn for the first time, feeling their tiny fingers wrap around yours, and marvelling at the miracle of life. It's a moment that fills your heart with boundless love and joy, a feeling unlike any other. However, behind the smiles and coos, lies a reality that many fail to acknowledge.
For every precious moment spent cuddling your newborn, there are countless sleepless nights, endless nappy changes, and the overwhelming weight of responsibility that comes with motherhood. And yet, society often expects new mothers to seamlessly transition into their new role without skipping a beat. Over the years, I have encountered people who have diminished a role of a Mother and not stood up for her especially after giving birth. Makes me wonder, at what point, are we allowed to say no? Babies are a blessing but they are hard work. You may have carried a bubba for 9 months, but it doesn't mean you know what they will be like on the outside. Neither of my two children were alike, after all; they are different people.
Giving birth is a trauma. It felt like someone was smashing my body with a sledgehammer and I was supposed to get on with it because "millions of women have done it before" me. Literally, that is what the Midwife, Joy, said to me. The irony of her name, she was anything but! No 2 births can be the same, but we must be unanimous in saying, it is hard work for the Mother.
When I see videos like that woman having to justify her actions of not wanting to see family after birth and definitely not cooking for them, I get upset. I recall, wanting nothing more than to spend the time alone with my little ones, not having visitors and to breastfeed in private. I barely spoke to my children's Grandparent before I gave birth and all of sudden, this person was turning up announced, calling all the time, coming over, waking up the baby and handing it over when they were screaming. Yeah, thanks for that. I had family giving me unsolicited advice and making me second guess my own very good Motherly instincts. I had to continue cooking, cleaning, and entertaining, as if nothing had changed, but everything had. Oh how I wish I was the person I was today back then, because I am now too old to deal with that BS. I would wake up early with my son and leave my home by 8 am, so I wouldn't have any uninvited guests over, but imagine my despair, when I'd see them driving down the road earlier and earlier, so they could catch me. I was asked not to make a fuss.
Why is it the needs of the person who just gave birth, are last met? Not only, do we need to cater for a baby, we are dealing with our post-body changes and then we also need to also work around other peoples demands to see the baby. Aye, babies are great, but they don't know when someone has met them! You will still get pictures and cuddles with the babies! I appreciate I probably get stressed more than the average person and at times, struggle to deal with that but surely, that means my needs should have been met. This lady's needs should have been met.
However a baby is feeding is best. If the wee one is content and growing, then let's minimise the shame of either breast or bottle feeding. If Mum can feel like she isn't failing, then surely that's more important? I recall breastfeeding and expressing, but one particular day, my son drank all his bottles on the way home and there was no way, I was going to whip out a boob on this bus. Totally impractical for bigger busts, sorry, not sorry, but it's true. I was going to get off the bus and this woman turned to me and scolded me for not feeding my baby. You know what I did, I started justifying and she didn't even have the respect to look at me whilst I was defending myself. It prompted lots of funny looks at me for not feeding him. We got off the bus, I took him out and cuddled him and he settled. We got home in 10 minutes, and he fed and slept. It felt like an eternity because of the judgement, but it was only 15 minutes the whole encounter. My baby was fine. Comments about how a Mother is feeding, or what they think is natural or unnatural, frankly is nobody's business. Let's keep those to ourselves, shall we!
I suspect I was suffering from Post Natal Depression, it was never diagnosed, as I would never admit to suffering, but looking back, I was prone to have it due to past issues. My beautiful boy, was crying and nothing I did settled him. I had no one to speak to as no one was open enough for me to speak without judgement. I walked out the flat and started washing the window, looking at him through the window crying. After 5 minutes, I returned and he stopped crying and fell asleep. That should be normalised. When a baby cries it doesn't mean we are doing something wrong, sometimes babies just cry. Sometimes, we both need some space. It's so overwhelming to think of this little baby and yourself, let alone other people's feelings and thoughts.
It's not all lost on me. Maybe one day my kids, if they want to, will have their own children and make me a Grandmother. As a Grandparent, you best believe I will do whatever the Mum needs me to do and will call out others who don't support her. After all, I remember feeling like a milk maiden for the first few months, while everyone coos over the baby and barely says hi to you. Whatever she needs will be done and I won't make her feel bad for it or share my experiences unless she asks for it. Every Mum should be allowed to trust her own judgement.
So yes, let's celebrate the arrival of a new baby with all the love and excitement it deserves. But let's also extend that same love and excitement to the mothers who make it all possible. Let's listen to their needs, support their choices, and lift them up when they need it most. Let's also thank the Men in our lives who do support, understand, empathise and empower us. That will never go unnoticed.
When we truly embrace empathy and understanding, we create a world where every mother feels seen, heard, and valued—not just for what they do, but for who they are. And that, is a celebration worth having.
