Keeping The Spark Alive

So, you’ve found your perfect match. Everything is going well, and the honeymoon period is in full effect. What comes next? Do you sit back now that your dreams have come true, or is there more work to be done?

I often ponder why relationships end and what roles we play in their endings. People frequently cite reasons such as outgrowing one another, changing over time, or encountering a significant event. But how many of us are guilty of simply not making enough effort? Effort, by definition, requires us to exert ourselves, pushing beyond our typical behaviour.

Consider the beginning stages of a relationship. We likely put in considerable effort: making calls or sending emails to arrange plans, organising dates, choosing outfits, showing up, engaging in conversation, offering compliments, sorting out the bill, and planning the next meet up. So why does this effort often diminish later on? What message does this send to our partners and ourselves?

Understanding your love language can be crucial. Recently, my husband and I completed a task where we wrote lists to each other, expressing how we feel loved. Your list might include both material and non-material gestures, from cuddles and date nights to helping with household chores. I’m certainly conscious of not wanting to forget the things I did at the beginning of our relationship to attract my husband, nor do I want to be a partner who can’t communicate my needs.

It’s common to see relationships struggle as life gets in the way. Many use this as an excuse, while resentment can build when partners fail to read each other’s minds. How often do we say, “everything is fine,” when we know it’s not?

Here's a task for you: What do you need to feel loved? What does love mean to you? Why not share this with your partner today and ask them to reflect on it? Encourage them to write their own list and prioritise it.

I understand how easy it is to transition into the comfort zone. After all, you’re in your own home, with your loved ones, and it’s natural to feel at ease. While it’s perfectly fine to enjoy this comfort, it’s crucial not to let it become the norm all the time. Effort is attractive not only to your partner but also to you. It’s a form of self-care and self-respect. Just as you might go to the gym or put on makeup—not solely for others but to feel good about yourself—putting effort into your relationship demonstrates that you care about maintaining its quality. It’s about nurturing a sense of pride and satisfaction in how you present yourself and how you engage with your partner, ultimately reinforcing a positive self-image and a fulfilling relationship.

Here are some practical tips to feel connected with your loved one and prioritise them in your life. These actions can help strengthen your relationship over time:

1. Organise Dates: Remember, it’s not about quantity but quality. Even a few well planned dates can be more meaningful than frequent, boring outings. Making time for your partner demonstrates that they are a priority. Even a quick call can show your commitment to the relationship.
2. Be Present: It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking your partner for granted when you’re always together. Invest in your relationship as you would in a work meeting or any important event. Eliminate distractions, put your phone away, and listen actively to your spouse.
3. Avoid Excuses: Don’t let excuses undermine your relationship. Honour your commitments and plans. If you promise something to your partner, follow through. If you marry someone, strive to keep falling in love with them daily. Avoid complacency, show your affection consistently through compliments, gestures, or simply asking how they are.
4. Turn Up the Romance: Don’t rely solely on your partner to keep the romance alive. Take initiative yourself. Communicate your needs clearly and work through rough patches together. Address issues promptly to rebuild love and connection more easily.
5. Put Away Your Phone: In today’s digital age, our phones often become significant distractions. Whether on a date or simply spending time together, it’s crucial to disconnect from our devices and connect with each other.

Jordan Peterson aptly states, “Relationships require effort and sometimes sacrifice. If you’re not willing to put in the work, the relationship will suffer.” This is undeniably true.

In essence, maintaining effort in a relationship is about making daily choices to prioritise and value your partner. Keep practising these habits, and they will become part of your relationship’s foundation, helping you sustain the love and connection that brought you together in the first place!