Beyond Milestones: Embracing Fulfilment Without Setting Yourself Up for Failure

Earlier this week, I met with Nina, who shared an interesting observation: many of her friends believe "you need to find a guy before he turns 28 to settle down; otherwise, he’s too far gone". This notion reflects a real fear instilled in us not only by ourselves but also by the company we keep. Although the dating landscape can be challenging and grim at times, not all hope is lost.

The Power of Self-Limiting Beliefs

We are responsible for our own limiting beliefs. We have a choice regarding what we do with the information we hear and, yes, if we continue to tell ourselves these things, they will dominate our focus. We hear old sayings like "There are no more good men left," we tell ourselves "I need to settle down before this age," and the very destructive "Our fertility declines after a certain age." We act as if every relationship opportunity is part of a last-chance clearance section, often rushing to grab someone before they’re gone, resulting in poor choices that our formative years would be disappointed by.

This made me question what drives us to make these life-changing decisions. Is it our desire for these things or societal expectations to hit milestones in order to be seen as successful? Is it pressure from others, like the constant questioning of when we will have kids or wannabe grandparents with their not-so-subtle comments about needing to be a grandparent? This is stressful and can impact how we view relationships.

Why 28?

It’s such a specific age to hone in on. Stereotypically, men are often seen as the non-committal sex who like to "sow their seeds" before they are ready to settle down, but there are women out there too, happily doing this. With the surface appeal of swiping on dating apps, there are more choices and less time to commit. Those who want to settle down focus on fewer choices and even less time if they are constantly reminded that their biology is dictating their life.

The age 28 might be targeted due to lingering cultural beliefs and biological considerations. Decades ago, societal norms dictated that having a family by this age was essential, largely because opportunities for women were limited. Today, however, the perspective on 28 has evolved significantly.

Nowadays, women have greater access to education, which in turn opens doors to careers and financial independence. This newfound autonomy has expanded the choices available to women in ways that were unimaginable in the past. The age of 28 is now considered a prime period in our professional lives, and this applies equally to men. Many men may also delay settling down at 28 because they are pursuing career opportunities that simply did not exist sixty years ago. It's important to note that this choice does not indicate that anyone is "too far gone."

Moreover, there are additional complexities when expectations clash with modern realities. For instance, when women are expected to balance both earning a living and full-time parenting, it can create significant barriers. Sometimes, delaying starting a family allows individuals to achieve financial independence and develop emotional resilience. Importantly, advancements in health and social care mean that people are living longer than ever before, altering traditional timelines for life milestones.

Challenging Stereotypes

Nina always wanted children and often broke up with nice guys because they weren't on the same page. But now, at 35, she doesn’t want children. Nina seems very sure of herself, happy with her life, and with a partner who is very loving towards her. She is content. I used to wonder if women said that in their later 30s as a way of making peace with the topic or to shut people up, but life can be much more fulfilling than it was even 20 years ago. People can change their values and beliefs at any time but it's good to listen when someone is telling you what they want and don't. It's up to you what you do with it, just try not to waste time thinking you can change someone, who isn't open to it.

The Reality of Being Single

Being single isn’t what Bridget Jones portrayed. A size 14 is no longer classed as "fat," and there are many more things to indulge in as a single person that were not available before. Having children and being married isn’t everything; who you are as a person is what counts. I do believe when the right person comes along there is a shift in what life will offer you next.

Reassessing Milestones

I have children, and I had them in my 20s. I married in my 30s, and even I look at my life and think, what's next in terms of milestones? Why do I focus so much on achievement being linked to milestones? I realised I am not the only one. If we took away these labels to acquire, I wonder how many of us would be truly happy with ourselves as we are. There is a real pressure to be seen to be doing something. There is a reason after all, why most people ask, "What's new with you?"

The Influence of Age

Our worth can be tied to our age too. Age is a huge focus on TV, social media, with our peers, and at work, and we constantly focus on that rather than enjoy being that age. No wonder people lie on dating apps and set ranges for what they want. It’s a pity because we could be missing out on someone really special. There is no shame in being older, and as a woman almost 40, it has weighed heavily on my mind of late. I am meeting more and more younger adults and in some way competing in my head. Who started that though? Who is focusing on those lines on my face? It’s me. It all begins with us—what we tell ourselves, then believe, and then choose to pass on to others.

I hear older men choose even younger women and overlook their counterparts for youth. Surely, it can't be that cutthroat, and men choose based on who they like as a person, rather than choosing youth through a younger partner. Maybe it makes them feel young? I hear men also say women are more stubborn and set in their ways as they get older. Why do we see it as stubborn when a woman knows herself and won't put up with rubbish like a younger person might? Surely, if men choose younger women, why can't an older woman choose a younger guy? Both these points work both ways.

Overcoming Fear

A quick simple Google search shows me that this age 28 is a thing! I always used to think an older guy couldn’t be so bad to settle down with. After all, surely men would have learned something as they get older! Or being more secure in oneself with age would make one a better parent. While it’s true that fertility can decline with age, the fear surrounding this is often exaggerated. Advances in reproductive medicine mean that having children later in life is becoming more common and viable. Biology doesn’t always have to factor in, especially if it’s stress-induced fear. Modern medicine is great and when the NHS is working well, we have a great service that looks after us. Cultural norms and media portrayals perpetuate the idea that there is a 'right' time to achieve certain milestones, adding unnecessary pressure.

Personal Reflection

I used to have a friend who would constantly tell me I couldn't date someone my own age and needed someone at least 10 years older "so he could cope with my bullshit." Now the fear of someone older was not the issue, but the fear I would choose someone who wasn't that was real. I would dismiss men or, at times, call them a "baby" when they were slightly younger than me. Ouch, something they didn’t take too kindly. Age isn't everything, and it turns out, if you own your own BS, you don't need someone to cope with it. They are just with you for you. Alas, I married someone similar in age to me, and we met in our mid-30s, and he’s most definitely not too far gone.

The Importance of Self-Worth

It's down to the person, not only the one you seek but the one you are! Nobody wants to be with someone who is jaded by negativity or can't see what's happening because they are focused on hitting that next milestone. I do think people can smell desperation, and that is not attractive. I know it's hard; we are constantly comparing ourselves to everyone. We have real FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), and it fuels our urgency to find someone quickly. We also feel if we get these things—marriage, babies—we are getting validation and approval from others. Remember, you don't need anyone's approval, nor should their judgement sway you. I know group dynamics can change when others are at different stages of their lives, but people either grow with you or they don't. It doesn’t matter at which stage they are; they will either come with you or not.

Challenging Negative Beliefs

We have to take responsibility for why we say what we say. We need to challenge ourselves and find evidence to prove ourselves wrong. Otherwise, we will be stuck in a cycle where we tell ourselves it's them and not us. See how quickly things change when your mindset is focused on the positivity in a situation. Don't be disheartened if you can't find someone that quickly; love wasn't meant to be rushed, nor was choosing someone to procreate with. I have met so many people who rushed into having babies with someone because they needed one but are now stuck in unhappy relationships.

Conclusion

In conclusion, it's crucial to recognise and challenge our self-limiting beliefs to avoid setting ourselves up for failure. By understanding the origins of these beliefs, questioning societal pressures, and focusing on personal growth and self-worth, we can lead more fulfilling lives. It's essential to be patient and trust the journey, knowing that true happiness comes from within, not from meeting arbitrary milestones. Remember, you are not a failure if you don't meet a "milestone," so stop setting yourself up to achieve them!