Date Yourself

Sometimes a bad date has nothing to do with the company but more with the actual dating experience you have chosen. Have you ever asked yourself why you are choosing this event? Whether it's a lunch, dinner, or coffee date, what does that tell you about yourself and your preferences? Perhaps your date has organised everything; that in itself can be a ticked box as part of the moment. However, what if it's a mutual collaboration of the date and you just aren't feeling it? What does that mean? Do you project it onto your date and tell yourself it's the company? What's your role in this? What are you bringing to the table to make it a memorable date?

'The most important relationship you'll ever have is the one you have with yourself' - Diane Von Furstenberg

Years ago, I met my now husband in a late-night coffee bar where we fed each other nachos and had a very nice time. The date was interrupted by a rude waitress kicking us out unexpectedly at 9 pm. Despite him having to catch a train back home to Scotland for Christmas the next morning, we both knew we didn't want the date to end. Having only spent a couple of months in London and unfamiliar with the area, he chose a local pub to go into so we could continue the great conversation. Upon entrance, this pub could only be described as an Old Man's Pub, and he did ask if this was okay. To my fault, I said sure. I didn't want to come across as such a diva, well, not on the first date, so he ordered me a diet coke, and we sat down. This lovely Scottish giant was then met with total silence from me as I was feeling very uncomfortable in this place. It was already quiet and not busy, and I feared the end of this before it even began. He tried his best to strike up conversations but was met with limited response. He kept asking if I was okay, and again, I said yes. Anyway, he told me later that he just thought I wasn't feeling him and was going to end the date and go home. I eventually spoke up and said I don't like this place and want to go. He got up immediately, and we left. He asked where I wanted to go, and although it was late, I said can we walk and talk? Which, folks, is one of our favourite things. So we did. In fact, he walked me all the way home and then walked back to his station to catch the last train home before his very early trip in the morning. Thankfully he can now tease me on how I behaved with my silence when we first met!

My dating life in my 20's was always convenient. Someone appeared, and I dated them without purpose or conscious choice. The dates were always standard: lunch, pub, or dinner dates. I appreciate there is much more to offer now in terms of experiences, but the dates always felt bland, part the person and part the experience, and I always noted the lack of effort or thought.

The four years prior to meeting my now hubby, I spent working on myself, which included dating myself to figure out what my standards are, what I enjoyed, and what I could do without. I did have the occasional date for company, but going alone to dates was always a conversational starter, so I always met folks en route. This led me to start up an online journal to capture my dating chronicles of me dating me. I figured it was the first time in my life where I was single and reflecting on my dating experience. I realised I hadn't had a perfect date. I couldn't even tell you what my perfect date would be. In fact, my first candlelit meal was with a close girlfriend of mine, who was horrified that I hadn't experienced one!

We are all too happy to reel off a list of what a bad date was, but what's a good date to you? So, I began by making a bucket list of dates that I wanted to try and see if I could do it alone. If there was one thing I can pass on, it would be: don't worry about what others might think of you doing it. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own experience; they aren't concentrating on you. So use that time to focus on your enjoyment in your own date. Try not to overthink the cost of something; either save for it or look on discount sites to help.

My list included things like:

• Tasting menu experiences
• Eating in fancy hotels
• Walking in the park with a bag of chips
• Going to the theatre
• Comedy clubs
• Burlesque shows
• Cooking classes
• Graffiti/Art classes
• Singing/Dancing classes
• Murder mystery events (this was inspired by a Saved By the Bell episode I loved!)
• Weekly flower shop

My children were young, so going on trips abroad on a budget and with time to myself was not an option then, but something I would like to do as I am getting older. The purpose of dating yourself is about discovery and enjoyment. To empower you to raise your standards, not to monetary value but experiences equating to your standard of living. For example, when you make yourself a priority, you invest in you, and that takes effort. Why would you go on a date with someone who didn't make effort for themselves or others? It also opens up your eyes to the world around you, what is happening locally and what new skills you could learn. You gain a great sense of fulfilment, and this can build confidence and in turn reduce fear. It's important to treat yourself, I often hear women say, my partner doesn't buy me flowers. OK, well either tell him or buy your own. There is no rule to say you can't and there is no rule that says you can't make yourself feel special.

By learning these things, you may even become the ultimate date for someone in the future, and this will give you so much more conversation for those future dates. You can also use this as an opportunity to inspire and teach others about what they might like to do.

I think it's so important to get used to being alone. There is, after all, a difference between being alone and lonely. If you like yourself and your company, I think this is a great foundation to build anything from. I encourage people to put themselves first and never lose track of that in any relationship. So many of us go along to things that we don't enjoy and in fear of not speaking up on what you might like. There are plenty of happy single people out there leading meaningful, happy lives, and I bet they do things they want to do. They don't wait for someone to do it for them, as that might not happen but they know independence is an attractive and strengthening quality. Once mastered, you will be picky with the company you keep and where. Fully commit to the process. Be present with it. Don't go on your phone while dating, enjoy the moment and converse with others if you wish. Please show up for you! You made a plan; stick to it. Otherwise, what are you telling yourself? If you can't prioritise you, who will and how can you handle another person? It all starts with self-love after all; who is going to love you better than you? Ask yourself these questions, be honest and you'll shape the future you want.

Let's not overlook the broader influences that shape our dating experiences. From societal norms to the glossy ideals shown by the media, these external forces often mould our perceptions of dating and self-worth. It's a journey of unravelling these ingrained beliefs, of daring to redefine success on our own terms. It's not always an easy path; it's messy, it's challenging, but above all, it's liberating. We're carving out our own journeys, rejecting the one fit standards, and embracing our true selves. In doing so, we're opening ourselves up to deeper connections in our dating journeys.

I found my list, and I'm working through it again. I love the feeling of independence and being able to do things alone, and sometimes, when in a relationship, it's easy to forget you can still prioritise you. So, whether you're single, in a relationship, or don't have friends to go out with, go out there and date yourself!