An unconventional Mother's Day post
Mums, we've all had one give birth to us and if you're able too, you've gone through the transition of saying Mmm, Mummy, Mama, Mum, Ma, back to Mama, back to Mum until you settle on your word for your Mother. I've often wondered what it means though, how can one word mean so much to someone? Do people look at it with logical eyes and think it's just a title that defines someone who has a child? Or do you give it more significance than it deserves?
I read a quote recently, it said, "be kind to your parents, don't judge them so harshly for it's their first time doing this too". It's true, one only becomes a parent when they have to parent a child...or do they? I often reflect on my upbringing and wonder if I had a mother or merely a disciplinarian?
Have you heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid? It's a useful five-stage model that addresses a person's deficiency and growth needs. For instance, one can't satisfy the higher levels of the pyramid without first meeting the foundational stages. I can confidently say my Mother met my Physiological needs, these are your basic shelter, food, warmth needs. I say basic, fully understanding, a lot of people, don't even get that but I did and that's something.
Moving upwards, I am met with other needs that I had to learn to attain for myself. Safety, Love & Belonging, Esteem and Self-actualization. Truth be told, I am still learning as it's a challenge when you have grown up without some exposure to these.
I was the 2nd eldest out of 6 children. I love big families but I also know that unless you have a large support system in place, you can end up feeling lost and unloved in it. The older children, end up raising and entertaining the younger children so you can lose your immediate connection with a parent. Times are tougher now, the system for family growth has changed, we have parents having to go back to work quicker and often feeling guilty about not being around for their children. Not sure if that is a huge hindrance, we have families from the 80's who didn't need to rush back to work as the Mum was the stay at home parent. Despite the societal changes, dysfunctional relationships persist. Understanding and addressing strained relationships is crucial.
My own Mother was very strict, we grew up as Muslims and therefore parenting coincided with what the Quran's teachings were. I know the idea of the perfect parent probably doesn't exist but I also know, that if we had a parent who came close to our ideal, we wouldn't be sitting here writing about our wronged childhoods! We didn't work. Don't get me wrong, I can remember a few sweet moments, like the trips to the Car Boot Sales where I acquired my very own Mega Drive! Those times where my Mum, would leave the remainder of the Pepsi in the fridge, just for me, because unfortunately to the despair of everyone I love, I love flat coke! Still, I stood out for other wrong reasons and from 5 years old, I knew I didn't belong there. I wanted out. I longed for the days where I could stop reading Islam, I could wear normal clothes, I could look at a couple in the street and not be berated for just looking, I could stop being blamed for things I could not control, I would stop being teased because I was fat, and I could stop being fake Sabiha. I suspect my Mother knew I didn't belong there, she often would remind me that I would be the one who probably leave and do something wrong. I wondered if she could read my brain through my distance in being her daughter. I was pretty cautious and distant. If you're always in trouble, you learn not to trust and build connections. Which is why it's so important to me now.
I left home at 18, it brought about plenty of challenges navigating adult life without any concept of how to be a person. Relationships were difficult and interactions were awkward. I do feel if I had a Mother that understood being a parent was more than just feeding a child, I wouldn't have been called a recluse so much. Something I tend to drift in and out of today. Thankfully though, I am aware I do it and I can be vocal to those I care about, when I do, do it.
Longing for a Mother figure, throughout my life, has caused me the most pain. More so than any breakup with a man. I latched on quite quickly when an older female "role model" presented herself, whether she liked it or not.
Enter L, my ex-boyfriend's mother, represented the façade of a perfect family, but beneath the surface lay dysfunction. Despite projecting my desires onto her, she wasn't the maternal figure I sought. She already had her hands full with three children and couldn't fulfil my expectations. Our strained relationship led to me calling her Mum, seeing the fear on her face and then the evitable separation, but we reconnected years later. While our bond initially strengthened, cracks emerged as I matured and saw things more clearly as I grew up. This person, as much I loved, wasn't my Mum and why should she be? She was a woman trying to figure out her own life and looking up to her, was no longer an option. She did not embody the values I appreciated. I wondered if I would ever meet someone who did.
Over that period of no active 'Mum' figure in my life, I was learning to nurture myself. A Value, a feeling, I acknowledged I was seeking. I also, became a Mum myself, and my only way of dealing with my son, was to be the parent I was seeking. I was not perfect, but I did my best everyday and he felt loved. We are still very close now.
Following the breakdown of my previous relationship, a new maternal figure emerged. Right age gap, filled with life lessons, said she loved me, would joke that I could be her daughter and she gave me so much of her time. To do this day, I will remain thankful to her for guiding me and helping me find not only my way back but to a clearer future. I'd say, when you split from someone, you're vulnerable, you are in the space, where normal things just don't make sense and things that are obvious, aren't anymore. I would say confidently, she raised me, she gave me answers to things that my own Mother didn't and helped me understand why I made poor choices. I genuinely looked at her with much love and affection and would say I loved her the most. That's why when she ghosted me years later, it hurt like hell. She raised me so well, that when I saw an injustice in her life, I spoke up. She didn't like what she heard but I know she respected me for doing it. It's what she would have done, but doesn't mean she liked it. Ultimately, she just stopped communication, I was blocked on everything. Forever left on one ✔️
For several months after this, I had chronic headaches and was heartbroken. I felt so silly to let myself get hurt again. Surely, I can't keep allowing women to step up and then only to fall. I even questioned if I should not have a Mum. What am I looking for?
Over the past few years, I have met older women, who like me, and joke they'd love to me my Mum or they maybe joke, can I be your Mum? I tend to laugh it off, but I note, a reaction in my body as I'm annoyed and hurt by the question. I sometimes reply, you don't want me as a daughter, I'm a nightmare. I did wonder if that was true. I recently married and now have a MIL. At first, I got carried away and called her Mama and thought I even had the same relationship as her as she does with her son. I got a few reality checks through the years and understand, she is not my Mum and that's ok.
Where am I now? Well I do know, that I don't want to chase older women as a replacement Mum. All of the Mum figures I have chased, all knew how to hurt me and it's usually to do with the associations to the word Mum. They take it away. I have a Mum out there. She did her best with the information and skills she had. I also believe, she wasn't well. However, I do wish her well.
Recently, I met with a friend and we are similar in age and she commented on me by saying, Gosh will you be my Mum? I laughed but she was waiting. I replied, what do you mean? She said, you sound all together and loving. I thought, I somewhat am but it made me realise, she is looking for those qualities in a Mum. She has a Mum, but it's strained. I thought, every Mum is different but the person is different, there is no rule book on how they should be. Yes loving, and look after you but anything extra, will depend on how their lives are going and who they are as people. If there's something I know, it's life can be tough and that will always affect how we interact with people, family or not.
In conclusion, I've found peace in my journey with maternal figures. As a mother myself, I strive to do my best daily, embracing both my successes and mess ups. I've learned that the qualities I seek are often already within me, and by nurturing myself, I can overcome them. So, be compassionate towards yourself and recognize your own worth. Celebrate your victories and learn from your mistakes, for therein lies true growth and contentment.
